I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
