Your face is a jimmy john
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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