I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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