I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
