Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
