Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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