Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
