is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
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