im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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