My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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