Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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