She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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