You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
