Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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