i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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