Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
