also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
