I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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