pop tarts are not kleenex
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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