i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
There was a lot of him and a little penis
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Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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