wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
