I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
i think my cat just said my name.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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