I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
