it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
