So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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