apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
