White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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