You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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