Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
