Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
