I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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