I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We got so high we made milksteak
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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