I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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