Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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