today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
