i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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