Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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