I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
