I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
