i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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