You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just invented taco cereal.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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