Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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