I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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