If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
