when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
