The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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