so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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