2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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