last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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