y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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