Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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