I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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