Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
