when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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